[A Must Read] Open Letter To All Nigerians Living In America

 
Good morning to everyone, especially Nigerian Americans. They need it most. Happy elections. Don’t think I’m crazy for greeting you happy elections, in Nigeria we greet people about everything.
You have to get used to this now because you are coming back home. So, Eku election.
I very much understand that you will soon be sent packing from there, so I have taken it upon myself to prepare you for the transition. You have just a little time left there, utilize that time to learn more about Nigeria that you are coming back to.
In Nigeria, we don’t have light. Buy power bank while coming. Don’t say I didn’t tell you. Buy power Bank from there because the ones here are just like your marriages, they don’t last. Buy a quality one from the abroad when coming. Also, make sure you charge your phone full before coming here. You should also save money for generator. Buy rechargeable lamps and plenty torchlight too.
Also, save enough money for subscription. There is no free WiFi here. For those of you that will be settling in Lokoja, Jidenna and Co, I’ll advice you to buy a glo line. Their network is strong. Save enough money for emergency transport. You will be deported to Nigeria and by the time you get to the airport, you will need to board a keke from the airport to the badagry refugee centre, from where your ancestors had been shipped to America before. Fuel don cost, transport don increase.
Do you eat moi moi? Learn it. In Nigeria you cannot sit down and order pizza anytime you want. The only order you can make is when you yell to the moi moi seller across the road to bring hot moi moi for you. Learn proper home training.
In Nigeria the only time the police will arrest your parents for hitting you is after you are dead already. And they will later settle the case as “a family affair”. If you think you can come here to speak ‘innit’ for your parents, it’s the neighbours that will help them beat you.
Are you a graduate? Doesn’t matter. There is no job. Your American accent will not give you a job, except your father knows someone who knows another person that knows a politician, you won’t have a job. You hear?
Dear American Lover Boy, Nnewi girl will not go Dutch with you. As a matter of fact, no Naija girl will go Dutch with you. You have to prove your masculinity by paying for the date. No one is splitting the bills with you when you take a girl on a date.
When you bruise with a stranger in the market, Please Check If Your Penis Is Still Intact. Learn the Nigerian names of common products. No one will sell “sausage rolls” for you. If you can’t call it the Nigerian name- “Gala”, no one would have time for you. Noodles is “Indomie”. Pasta is “spaghetti”. All seasoning is “Maggi”.
Dear American girl, you cannot dress anyhow you like. Your neighbours will eye you. The random old woman in the market will hiss at you. The random lady in the bus will preach to you. The area boys will jeer you. You might want to report “harassment” to the police, they will arrest you for indecent dressing.
Dear lovers, in Nigeria we don’t show public display of affection. You cannot be kissing your boyfriend under the rain. The old woman passing by will invoke thunder to strike the both of you.
These are some of the basic tips to help you adapt after you have been deported to Nigeria come January 2017 – Take Note.
Drop your Comments.
Written by:- Spaco G

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Heart-Broken Man Receives Long-Awaited Sex Doll Modelled After His Late Wife [Photos]

A lonely Chinese widower received a long-awaited gift this week – a customised sex doll modelled after his late wife, according to Chinese media. The 70-year-old man, known as Zhang Wenliang (not his real name), was left heart-broken when his partner of 40 years died of cancer in 2015.
After receiving the silicone doll on Tuesday, an excited Mr Zhang put his late wife’s clothes on it and said ‘I feel like seeing her again when she was young’.
According to People’s Daily Online, Zhang Wenliang, who lives in the Chinese city of Chongzhou, said ‘I am satisfied with the looks of the doll, especially the facial features’.
However, the retired doctor also mentioned he was not ‘too sure about its skin colour’.
As Mr Zhang slowly dressed up the doll, he told the reporter: ‘The winter is coming. She can not catch cold.’
Pictures taken in Mr Zhang’s home have been widely shared by Chinese media….



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Recovered loot in FG’s consolidated account, says EFCC

The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) says all looted funds recovered by it are paid into the consolidated revenue account of the federal government.
The commission made this known on its Twitter handle, @officialefcc, while responding to a question from one of its followers.
In a tweet to the commission through the handle @asantoo11a, the follower had asked; “When are we sharing our recovered looted money?”
“Recovered funds are paid into the consolidated revenue account of the federal government,” it tweeted in reply.
The EFCC also said there was no hiding place for looters, including those who travel abroad to evade the arm of the law.
“Our network of partners include the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) and other international law enforcement agencies,” EFCC said in response to an inquiry by one Biyi Soremekun.
“Perpetrators cannot hide forever. Send a petition.”
Using the handle @adebiyie200, Soremekun asked what would happen in a situation where an individual travels out of the country after perpetrating fraud.
“What happens in a situation where someone defrauds you through issuance of dud cheques or falsification of land documents and leaves the country before you realise it.”
The commission advised victims and members of the general public to forward their petitions through its offices nearest to them, adding that they could do so anonymously.

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TOO BAD!!! How These Notorious Guys Gang-R*pe Woman To Death

 

A woman in her late 20s has been confirmed dead after she was reportedly gang-r*ped in a house that is abandoned on Farawe Street, Agbado-Oja, in the Ifo area of Ogun State.
The woman was found n*ked and unconscious in the building with blood coming out of her private parts. It was also said that her mouth was covered in blood.
The Punch gathered that some children were playing football on a pitch near the building at about 6pm last Wednesday when their ball flipped into the building.
One of them, who went to pick the ball, reportedly discovered the lady, whose identity had yet to be determined, writhing in pains and raised the alarm, which drew other residents to the scene.
A resident, who identified himself only as Soji, said the woman was immediately rushed to a hospital in the area, but died on the way.
He said, “I think the woman was gang-r*ped because there was blood coming out of her private parts and her mouth. She had become very weak and couldn’t talk when we asked her how she got into the building. She just gesticulated with her hands.
“We have not got to the Agbado division, where we wanted to obtain police report to present at a hospital when she died.”
Another eyewitness, who did not want his name in print, said the incident must have been perpetrated by suspected ritual killers.
“Her body has shrunk and she was frail. She was not from this community. I think this case is beyond ordinary r*pe; it has a ritual undertone,” he said.
The Baale of Ago-Agbado, Chief Sunday Oyeogun, said the woman’s corpse was buried around 2pm the following day as none of her relatives showed up.
He said, “It appeared the woman was r*ped and had been in the building a few days before she was found on that day. I informed the health workers at the Agbado-Oke Odo Local Council Development Area so that her corpse would not pose health hazard to residents. She had been buried.
“The family members, who own that building, have issues with one another over the sharing of rent. That was why they sent all the tenants away.”
A police source told Punch that although the case was not formally reported at the station, the police were aware.
“We learnt the woman was a destitute. The case can only be investigated if it is reported,” he said.

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