Good morning to everyone, especially Nigerian Americans. They
need it most. Happy elections. Don’t think I’m crazy for greeting you
happy elections, in Nigeria we greet people about everything.
You have to get used to this now because you are coming back home. So, Eku election.
I very much understand that you will soon be sent packing from there,
so I have taken it upon myself to prepare you for the transition. You
have just a little time left there, utilize that time to learn more
about Nigeria that you are coming back to.
In Nigeria, we don’t have light. Buy power bank while coming. Don’t
say I didn’t tell you. Buy power Bank from there because the ones here
are just like your marriages, they don’t last. Buy a quality one from
the abroad when coming. Also, make sure you charge your phone full
before coming here. You should also save money for generator. Buy
rechargeable lamps and plenty torchlight too.
Also, save enough money for subscription. There is no free WiFi here.
For those of you that will be settling in Lokoja, Jidenna and Co, I’ll
advice you to buy a glo line. Their network is strong. Save enough money
for emergency transport. You will be deported to Nigeria and by the
time you get to the airport, you will need to board a keke from the
airport to the badagry refugee centre, from where your ancestors had
been shipped to America before. Fuel don cost, transport don increase.
Do you eat moi moi? Learn it. In Nigeria you cannot sit down and
order pizza anytime you want. The only order you can make is when you
yell to the moi moi seller across the road to bring hot moi moi for you.
Learn proper home training.
In Nigeria the only time the police will arrest your parents for
hitting you is after you are dead already. And they will later settle
the case as “a family affair”. If you think you can come here to speak
‘innit’ for your parents, it’s the neighbours that will help them beat
you.
Are you a graduate? Doesn’t matter. There is no job. Your American
accent will not give you a job, except your father knows someone who
knows another person that knows a politician, you won’t have a job. You
hear?
Dear American Lover Boy, Nnewi girl will not go Dutch with you. As a
matter of fact, no Naija girl will go Dutch with you. You have to prove
your masculinity by paying for the date. No one is splitting the bills
with you when you take a girl on a date.
When you bruise with a stranger in the market,
Please Check If Your Penis Is Still Intact.
Learn the Nigerian names of common products. No one will sell “sausage
rolls” for you. If you can’t call it the Nigerian name- “Gala”, no one
would have time for you. Noodles is “Indomie”. Pasta is “spaghetti”. All
seasoning is “Maggi”.
Dear American girl, you cannot dress anyhow you like. Your neighbours
will eye you. The random old woman in the market will hiss at you. The
random lady in the bus will preach to you. The area boys will jeer you.
You might want to report “harassment” to the police, they will arrest
you for indecent dressing.
Dear lovers, in Nigeria we don’t show public display of affection.
You cannot be kissing your boyfriend under the rain. The old woman
passing by will invoke thunder to strike the both of you.
These are some of the basic tips to help you adapt after you have been deported to Nigeria come January 2017 – Take Note.
Drop your Comments.
Written by:-
Spaco G